There are so many things to know about bringing home an older child, and I don’t know all of them. Adopting an older child of any background has its challenges. Adopting an older child from an orphanage in CHINA, includes more challenges that the average adoptive parent(s) may not be prepared for.
This is what I knew before I met him:
- He has scars, he may need surgery. He may be bullied because of his appearance, no matter where he goes. He is sensitive about his scars.
- He is an average student.
- He does not make friends easily.
- He makes his bed and does his own laundry.
- He has a good sense of humor. He can be stubborn, and when he gets angry, he throws things. He usually takes verbal correction pretty well.
- He has a musical instrument that he likes to play, it is some kind of wooden flute.
- He likes to roller blade, and he does not know how to swim.
- He also likes to read and to do art work.
- He has been in the same orphanage for 11 years, had been abandoned at about the age of two. His birthday was decided to coincide with the day he was found. He does not remember anything about his biologic family.
- He had non healing wounds on his head that were not finally healed until he was almost three years old, he had multiple surgeries.
THE ADOPTION…..THE BEGINNING OF OUR FAMILY
My son was adopted by me when he was 13.5 years old. He lived in the city in western China called Hami, in the district of Xianjing. We met on November 20, 2017 in Urumqi.
Think about this child. He was abandoned from apparent scald burns when he was about two years old. Since then, he has lived in an orphanage, never sure of what the next day would bring. He does not have much trust, yet seems to trust me, his new mom. Even after I incorrectly disciplined him enough to force him to run away from me twice, he still seems to trust me.
Does he really trust me, or does he understand that he has no choice but to act as if he does? Why should he? He and I met on November 20 for the first time. He had to leave his Auntie and the chef, who had accompanied him on the train from Hami to Urumqi. From that point forward, I was his mother, the foreign adult who had adopted him and with whom he would spend the rest of his childhood.
Here is what he knows:
- He was abandoned at about the age of two years.
- His biological family is unknown.
- No one has ever inquired about him.
- It is highly unlikely that he will ever know anything about his biological family.
- He has lived in the orphanage since abandoned, until he was 13.5 years old.
- The lights are never off, and there is always some kind of noise.
- Everyone has a TV in their bedroom and it is always on.
- Everyone speaks Mandarin.
- Everyone lives in the city. Few people know how to drive, and few own a car.
- His family includes his “Auntie” and the chef, both of whom have been there before he became a resident. They care for and about him, and he loves them.
- About half of the children in the orphanage were placed there by the government. They have families, they know who their families are and they get visited by their families.
- He attended public school, where the other children lived in traditional families and homes.
- He is missing most of his hair and has mildly deforming scars on his face and hands, that other children do not have.
- He had “friends” at school. They had a disagreement. They beat him up. Now he has no friends – he doesn’t want any.
- There is a boy who works at the orphanage, and used to live there as an orphan. He is a “good aquaintance” of my son.
- He was bullied in school. He will not use a bathroom at school.
- One goes to school in the morning, home for lunch and rest, then back to school for a few more hours.
- If he laughed in the classroom, the teacher would take off his belt and beat him.
- Being the center of attention usually meant punishment.
- School is bad.
- The night staff at the orphanage could not be trusted.
- If someone hugs or kisses another, that means they are having sex, all this stuff is disgusting.
- Wetting his bed was a sure way to get punished. So he did his own laundry, made his own bed, and hid the fact that anything had gone wrong during the night.
- The children decided when to go to bed, when to take a shower or if they wanted to brush their teeth.
- Wash your hands before eating, do not touch food with your hands – but it is ok to retrieve food in a communal bowl with chop sticks you have already put in your mouth. Food on the table or counter is as toxic as if it fell on the floor.
- Water from a tap cannot be consumed unless it is boiled.
- China invented everything, including all the Disney stuff.
- Staying in China after aging out at the age of 14 years is not likely to give him a good life. Because he is an orphan and has “deformities”, it is unlikely that he will be able to get a decent job if he stayed there.
- His Auntie decided to let him go to America to be adopted.
- Winter can be very cold, but you only get 1-2 inches of snow all winter.
- Boots are for girls.
- Being lied to is bad, and everyone lies.
- If you are sick or even cut yourself, you will likely die.
TRAVELING AND HOME
The next week, we toured Urumqi, went to all of the official places we were required to go to, and learned a little bit about each other. My sister and my grandnephew had accompanied me on this journey. My son became very attached to my grandnephew – this is not a bad thing, but not necessarily good for our long term relationship. When we finally were driving home to our house in upper New York, I realized that I did not really know much about this boy. He and my grandnephew had bonded and had learned to communicate with other. I didn’t even know what to say or how to say it.
As time went along, we got over our uncertainty with each other and learned fairly quickly how to communicate. My son is very accomplished at pantomiming, and can get his message across without language most of the time. He learned more English words every day, and I learned a few Chinese words to pacify his need for me to embrace his language. Given the chance to do this over again, I would have been more serious about learning Mandarin. I had begun down this path, but was told that it would be better if I did not try to speak Mandarin, as this would slow down his English learning. In our case, I do not think that would have happened, and would have been very helpful.
At first, he would not participate with a web based translator. After a few weeks, he realized that his reluctance to use it was not helping us to understand each other. It is such a routine part of our communication now that neither of us hesitate to use this tool. Once we used it quite often through the day, now we use it once a day at most.
I had sent, via Lady Bugs, a small photo album of 10 photos to my son several months before the adoption. These included a view of my house, me, my two bio children, my guardian son, my siblings and their spouses, the school, and my dogs and cats. All had captions which were translated into Mandarin. This made his transition much easier, as he recognized each of us and knew our names, even the dogs.
HOME, SCHOOL AND THE FUTURE
He started out in his room, but now sleeps in my room. He told me he had a bad dream and wanted to be with someone in case it happened again. The next day, he cheerfully told me that he did NOT have a bad dream.
Did he have a bad dream, or did he think he needed an excuse to ask to sleep in the same room as me? I don’t really care. I co slept with my bio children and I understand that he needs this. I think it is helping his attachment.
He is doing far better in school than anyone expected. He is, I believe, brilliant. He used to think he was not very smart, but I think maybe his view is changing on that. He says he does not like praise, but you can tell he thrives on it. He says he does not like his picture taken or displayed, yet – he loves it. He would comment on the photos I had of my other children and family members. I can’t explain it, but he was wistful – there were no photos of him. I have changed that.
After visiting my alma mater, the University of Connecticut, where my sister also went for her Masters in Education, he has decided that school is good! That, plus I always tell him school is good, when he says it is bad. He is experiencing positive things in school – no bullying, teachers like him, he does not get punished even when he is late to school.
He is no longer quite as amazed that he can eat as much as he wants, especially chicken and bacon. He used to ask me every time if he could have something to eat. He still does that, but less often. Usually he announces that he is hungry and I just tell him to go ahead and get food.
He has grown taller, has gained weight, and has some muscles! His arms and legs were like sticks when he came to live with me. He was unable to lift his own suitcase. Recently he brought in two bags of groceries by himself!
There is a lot of work to do. He needs to be more proficient in English, so he can participate in his classes. Although, about a month ago, he was helping one of his classmates with a math problem in class! He needs to see a dentist and an eye doctor, he needs blood work done, and vaccines. He needs to learn to floss as well as brush, that daily bathing and changing of clothing are important. He needs to know that he will likely need to drive and to own a car. That education is important. That he will need to get a job in a couple of years, and eventually, be able to live on his own. That he may not be allowed to move back to China. To learn how to trust people and have real friends. Maybe even fall in love and get married! Right now, he doesn’t think about any of this. By this time, with my bio kids, we had talked about puberty, sex, marriage, children, working, education, tolerance, budgets, religion and a little politics.
NEW INSIGHTS
What I know now:
Most of what I was told is true, and I understand why. However, he has never played the instrument we purchased for him, he doesn’t read books – but is an excellent reader of Mandarin. He cannot, at this time, have surgery that will give him a full head of hair. He does have attachment issues, but really not that bad. I really hope that he can learn to trust and develop strong friendships. He is highly intelligent and very adaptable.
What he knows now:
School is maybe good. It is possible to live without a TV or radio on, some kind of noise, all the time. He even has discovered that one does not require a source of light at night! It is possible to own more than two sets of clothing. One can drink water from the tap. Getting enough sleep is important so that one can get to school on time and not fall asleep. One can have a family even if one’s bio family is not around. People can hug and kiss and it does not mean they are all having sex. Winter in New York usually means a lot more than two inches of snow. People take walks just for the heck of it. In America, one travels primarily by private car. Not all people live in the cities.
Originally posted 2019-02-04 00:42:40.